I made a casual intention a few months ago to officially take a year of not being special. I didn’t make it a strong intention because if I did, that might make me feel too special. What do I mean by a year of not being special? The idea rose when I started to notice that many of the roots of my suffering can be traced back to this thought that I am special or that I need to be special.
What if I’m just ordinary? What if I just lead an ordinary life? What if nobody save my friends and family who already know me ever knew about me, and then I died someday, and that was that? For years, thinking this thought has felt wretched. I felt like my stomach was turning inside out with dread. But this seems crazy. Why would leading an ordinary, largely unnoticed life be so inherently terrible? Why do I hold this belief, where did it come from, and how might I shed it so that I can live my life more fully and truly?
I imagine that in living without this belief hooked into me I would feel more free and relaxed, especially in the in-between moments when I’m just being human and not trying to do anything special or impress anyone. Basically, I think I would enjoy life more in those ways that seem to really matter. Feeling peace and a grounded gladness inside myself as I hang with my family, walk through my neighborhood, cook a meal for friends, take shower. Sensing gratitude filling my body effortlessly just sitting here alive and breathing.
Paradoxically, I’d be making the world a better place by not trying to make the world a better place.
I think that by taking the burden off myself of trying to be special I could free myself up to give even more. Because when I hold this belief I’m constantly encumbered by the fear of judgment from others. This stops me from giving more freely. My perfectionist parts come out. I fixate on the one possible critic of my writing. I have nightmares of being ridiculed, punished, ignored.
But if I wasn’t special, if I was just an ordinary schmo, would this matter so much? If I was just ordinary, I think I would be able to express my creative gifts and shine my love into the world for the pure, inherent desire to do so. Of course it would feel nice if it was well received but even that can be a trap to then become dependent on that positive reception.
I’m pretty sure I’m always going be human, at least in this lifetime. Chances are I will always be in someway enchanted by praise and stung by criticism. But I would really like to minimize how powerfully those affect me and how much I let praise and criticism influence my next action. But these two guard rails – praise and criticism – seem to pen me in too much and hinder my true, messy, authentic expression. And regardless of what anyone else thinks about me, I know that just being me, in all my ordinary glory, is what feels right in my bones.
- Since writing this a few months ago, I had a realization last night that cracked me up and related to this article. As I left my 5 year old son to go give a dharma talk in the evening, he was literally clinging to me, sobbing and begging me to cancel my plan to leave. This is rare for him to do when I go out for some evening event, but clearly he was in a strong mommy-attached moment. As I drove off, it occurred to me that he wants me to be completely ordinary and quite frankly, a nobody… except to him. Here I am feeling excited to give my offering to the world, living more into my purpose, yadda yadda… and it was just hilarious to me to think of how irrelevant this is to my young child; how all he wants is for me to be the most ordinary mom in the world, committed to the health of our little life together, sticking around to tend and play and nurture and be. I feel he is my teacher in the value of just being.
Also, this morning I read this article by Rick Hanson which gives beautiful and helpful guidance on the how and why we should tune into how alright we are right now.
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